Shattered Pieces

September 1996. Central High School. 1st Day of Freshman Year. 3rd period. English 1. Mrs. Solomon. This was the first time we met.

As I sat behind Maya, Mrs. Solomon said something, we looked across the room & made eye contact with you and stifled giggles. Just like that our bond was secured. You remaining my sounding block, attempting to date all my friends, AND experiencing all of these different phases of life. TOGETHER.

September 2018. After countless convos. A ton of laughs. Endless dance moves. All of your crazy social media captions - still not sure how you came up with half of them and this is MY JOB. Lol!  Numerous karaoke sessions in the car. Taking Collin under your wing (side eye at the girls though - lol). Promises to make me an auntie again next year...ie you would be dropping your baby off with me - not sure which one of us was moving. Countless women giving you the 3rd degree about who we were when we posted on social media or text you. A ton of you hearing my mouth. Even more of you telling me not to settle for less than I deserve. And then all of a sudden, I had to come to terms with the fact I would NEVER see you again. How could this even be possible???

All of these memories no longer seemed suffice because I took for granted there would be more. We had years. Until we didn't. WHY were we cheated?

In all my quiet thoughts, James 4:14 kept running through my head. How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog - it's here a little while, then it's gone.

I could not get away from thoughts of you. Lasting memories. As I was driving home on the turnpike, a coroner's truck cut me off. And then a rainbow appeared as Hi-Five's I Can't Wait Another Minute started playing. Through my tears, I started laughing thinking about your spin move in the basement as you sang this exact song. After this encounter, I did not return to the office for the rest of the week. I found myself hiding in my room under my covers for a few days. If I stayed there it wouldn't be true, right??? When I finally emerged, I decided to eat...only so I could drink some wine because I just wanted to be numb. I could not understand the WHY. And found myself incessantly looking for answers.

Social media gave me severe anxiety. And my phone going off easily set me in a panic. Inadvertently, I put my phone on DND. I could not figure out why I was missing important calls until Andriece took my phone and looked at the settings.

All I knew was we had to get to Charlotte and lay you to rest. Nothing would keep us away.
And no matter how many restaurants or bars we had to walk to, there would be a shot of Henny in your honor before we said our final goodbyes. And you KNOW I just took the pic since I still cannot stomach shots.
It seemed like a cruel joke that as soon as I landed back home from your funeral I had to attend a social media conference in the city. At the last place I saw you alive. I beat myself up for not staying at the wedding until LAST CALL, so we could have all experienced you just an hour longer. We could have soaked up more moments. More drinks. More dance battles. I could have hugged you longer when we said goodbye. Maybe I should have left work early to see you when you flew in for the Eagles parade. Of course, I said no because you know. 49ers. You respected this. But if I could go back...

Walking into the hotel was rough. But one step in front of the other. I was in silent agony putting on my game face as I had a flashback of you walking through the exact doors last December. Inhale. Exhale. Do not cry. What are these locks on the table?! 

As a part of the Philadelphia Hope Fence's initiative, I was able to leave your mark. Finally. An action. As the fog was heavy on the waterfront. Your life is like the morning fog.
The last 2 months have been trying, emotional, and just plain exhausting. Yet through it all, we stuck together. I know for a fact I could have not did any of this alone.
As I strive to get back to myself picking up the shattered pieces, I will honor & cherish your memory.

The lessons you taught will remain close to my heart. Laugh. Dance. Forgive. Be kind to yourself. Remain humble YET confident. Treat yourself. Embrace fashion. Always buy the pair of shoes. Take the trip. Nurture friendships. Live your life unapologetically with no regrets. Explore learning new things. Read. Take care of your family. Squash petty disputes. Give back. Put God first. Love with an open heart. Smile. And BE BLESSED.

I love you Tacuma Cardwell. Rest in Peace.