The last time Maya checked in with us, I was laying poolside in Costa Rica. Too bad I am not experiencing deja vu as I am prepping this to publish. I know for a fact her life has not slowed down one bit and she may have taken on more responsibilities. Not sure how she manages it all, but please believe I am constantly reminding her to take some time for herself to just breathe because you know what?! She deserves self care.
Maya, thank you for always pushing me to speak my mind or hit send on texts/emails or MAKE A PHONE CALL even after I have to dig into all of the different sides & aspects for hours before hitting send...AND even after I get lost in more work due to avoidance, you do NOT forget and ask me if I addressed the situation. You refuse to let me hide. My shy side, cringes. Yet my assertive, confident side ALWAYS feels better after saying what has been plaguing my thoughts.
Now let's see if Superman is really invicible...
As I sit here waiting for my oldest daughter (14?! Lord, her dad is old...lol) to get out of dance, I decided to take these spare 15 minutes I have in my hectic life, to think and reflect via writing.
Maya, thank you for always pushing me to speak my mind or hit send on texts/emails or MAKE A PHONE CALL even after I have to dig into all of the different sides & aspects for hours before hitting send...AND even after I get lost in more work due to avoidance, you do NOT forget and ask me if I addressed the situation. You refuse to let me hide. My shy side, cringes. Yet my assertive, confident side ALWAYS feels better after saying what has been plaguing my thoughts.
Now let's see if Superman is really invicible...
As I sit here waiting for my oldest daughter (14?! Lord, her dad is old...lol) to get out of dance, I decided to take these spare 15 minutes I have in my hectic life, to think and reflect via writing.
5 years have flown by bringing many changes to my life. I started a new job I love, but I wish I was their full-time employee instead of a contractor. My grandfather passed away. I lost 40 pounds and then gained them back after my grandfather's death. I am about to be an aunt again, but this time I am expecting 2 nieces. Definitely a change from all the nephews I spoil. The hubby and I had our first couples trip to Miami WITHOUT KIDS. I guess you can say I was busy since I turned 30, huh?!
Last year I received a devastating blow when my heart and soul passed away. I think I was in denial the entire time Pop Pop was sick. He was superman - he would never leave me, right?! Wrong.
Two days after my 33rd bday, my mom called me and told me to get my butt to Philly. The last words he said to anyone...were to me...two days prior...he was determined to call me and wish me a Happy Birthday. 24 hours after, he was just there...a shell of the man he once was...he was no longer MY Pop Pop. He was simply existing in the bed, housing the soul of the man who had already left. His hands were cold, he had a blank stare. Yet I know he heard me and the kids. He knew we would be okay. Even as I type this I am teary eyed. I never appreciated him as much as I should have when he was here because he was supposed to always be here. Superman never leaves. He is invincible!
Two days after my 33rd bday, my mom called me and told me to get my butt to Philly. The last words he said to anyone...were to me...two days prior...he was determined to call me and wish me a Happy Birthday. 24 hours after, he was just there...a shell of the man he once was...he was no longer MY Pop Pop. He was simply existing in the bed, housing the soul of the man who had already left. His hands were cold, he had a blank stare. Yet I know he heard me and the kids. He knew we would be okay. Even as I type this I am teary eyed. I never appreciated him as much as I should have when he was here because he was supposed to always be here. Superman never leaves. He is invincible!
During his last years here with us, Pop Pop started giving the great grands his jewelry and other valuable items he cherished. Of course I was like, great more clutter for the house and totally forgot about these things. Five months after his death, Sani came out with a bracelet on. I am like what is that?! He said Pop gave it to me. I broke down and cried because it finally hit me. He was preparing us and making sure all the kids had something to remember him by. I asked Sani could I hold that bracelet for him and I would wear it until he was old enough for it to fit. (I wear this bracelet every day and feel naked when I don’t have it on.)
It amazes me that even in Jeremiah’s short time with Pop Pop, he talks about him daily. I will catch him looking up to the clouds and just staring. I will ask him what does he see, and he will ask which cloud is Pop Pop. He also inquires when we are going to visit Pop Pop to put flowers on his grave. When we are in Philly driving through Pop’s old neighborhood, Juju will get sad because he knows Pop is not there anymore. So even though he may have given Pop a hard time, he still loved him! He loved our trips when we visited and they played with trains (which he still plays with today). It just shows you as a child we loved to be around our family and friends. Our innocence then allowed us to live in the moment and enjoy the present. Only as adults are we always rushing and thinking of the future.
When he passed, I felt hurt, anger, regret. Those times I was too busy, I should have made time. All of those unanswered phone calls should have been picked up. What I would give to hear him fuss me out about Sani playing too many sports! Every now and then, a song will come on and I know its Pop’s way of saying he is thinking of me or that he is with me. He talks to me in my dreams. I still cry when I think of him or talk about him. I guess with time it will get easier.
So what have I learned in 5 years?! I have learned to laugh more, love more; to hug a little longer. I have learned to appreciate those more in my life now than in the future. AND to extend my time in the moment with my loved ones being present. I have learned to just live! Life is too short and tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
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